Of Orbs And Such
by Saltwater
Summary: Are you sick of overused cliche's? Of word that don't exsist, but are still used? Of the way that apples go all brown and icky when you leave them in the air too long? Well, i cant do much about the apples, but i DO enjoy making fun of bad writing...
1. The Orbs that Started it All

GAAAAAAH!  
_If _fanfiction deletes this story _one more time, _I'm going to have to kill someone…

/sigh/ well, its back up again now.

S'very short. And if you don't like it, well… just go die.

* * *

And the fabulous Mary-Sue OC that just dropped out of no-where five seconds ago looked adoringly into Legolas's liquid orbs, drinking him in as he stared adoringly back at her. Then Elrond trotted by and saw them.  
"Legolas" Elrond said. "Who is this?"  
Elrond stared into Mary-Sues big purple orbs, coming to the conclusion that it she was agonizingly beautiful. Then Glorfindel came along. His orbs darted around the room, finally resting on Mary-sue. He stared into her deep pools of orbiness and died. Then Legolas looked into Elrond's orbs questioningly, and Bilbo skipped by merrily. He stopped. Mary-Sue stared into his orbs suprisedly. Bilbo just took out his pipe, shoved some weed in it, became high, and tottered off, his orbs staring at imaginated orbs. Then, I came into the screen with a bazooka and killed everyone but Mary-Sue, because she had these weird unknown magical orby powers that allowed her to dodge bullets. Orb. I grabbed into her orb and popped her back into the real, un-orbified world, where her overlarge and disproportioned orbs weighed her orb. She fell orb, and died from the orby weight of her orbs. Orb orbitty orb.

The orb

* * *

Yeah, ok then… 

p.s  
If you want, I can do a request on other commonly used words like that, or anything else along those lines…. Just coz its fun.

Now. Review or _DDIIEEEE!_


	2. Oh So Velvety

Alrighty, here's my next installment!

The feature for today is… soft, or gentle.

Or, you know, something along those lines… You'll understand later.

* * *

She was staring up at the moon, tears in her eyes as she tried to ignore the orcs that were scurrying around her like evil mutant cockroaches. They were all getting ready to torture and rape her, of course. I mean, she was so luscious and pretty, what else could they possibly want her for? Besides to eat, that is. But if they ate her, how could she possibly go crying to Legolas about all her poor, fragile self had to go through? 

Anyway, she was tied to a tree, and this one really ugly orc came up to her. It had a really ugly scrunchie in its hand and was about to tie it to her hair. She began struggling.

"Noo! You evil fiends! That's the ugliest accessory I have ever seen! Get it awaaaaaay!"  
But the orc just cackled evilly and lifted its hand to attach it to her hair, when it stopped, and fell to the floor, dead as a pencil.

Looking down, she saw an arrow in its back.  
Which would explain why it was suddenly dead.

All the other orcs saw this too.

"Oh my God!" said an orc that didn't believe in Gods but said that anyway coz the author's a knob. "You killed Grishpog!"  
"You bastard!" said another orc.

They were pointing at a figure that was standing on a large boulder. He stood surrounded by a halo of light, his hands on his hips, hair blowing in the wind.

All the orcs started screaming and ran away. This is getting a little too long so I'll get to the point. Legolas, for it is so obvious that's who it is, pranced off the boulder and up to the girl. He untied her, and she started crying into his shoulder.

"What's wrong with _you_?" Legolas huffed. "I spend all this energy to come here to save you and all you- I mean… do not fret, child. You are safe now." he lifted a hand and brushed away her tears. She shivered. His hands were soft and silky against her skin. She had never felt a smoother pair of hands.  
"I am Legolas Legolas. Or, Legolas Greenleaf, as some prefer to call me."  
"I… I am Tári Linwë Alassë NápoldëIdril Valaina Iąmapŏopίefǻce Sarah غحم٨ٿڭ۞Җџ ؟۩ۣ۵ ₤⅝₪║╬♠♣♥♦♫Eledhwen" the girl said. She hiccupped, and wiped her nose on Legolas' sleeve.

Legolas randomly brushed some hair away from her face. She leaned into his hands. His smooth and oh-so-gentle hands. They were like silk against her skin, even though smooth hands means that the owner of said hands had never worked a day in their life. And it would be impossible for Leggy-poo to have smooth, silky, soft, luscious hands, because he constantly shoots arrows all over the place. And he's supposed to have rough callousy hands or something. Not smooth. But, let's pretend that elvish healing powers are not there to stop elves from dying, but to help them look good.

Okay.

So, he rubbed his gentle, shiny, laminated hands all over Tári's head as the sun came up. Then, he rubbed her face some more.

Then they stood up.

Leggo-man looked up to the sky and saw that the sun was up.

"Oh no! The sun, THE SUN! We must run!" Leggy-weggy began running, but it was too late. Its was too. Late. For him. To. Run.

"Whatever is the matter!" Tári said.

But Legolas couldn't reply. "Noo!" He screamed to the heavens and sunk to his knees. "I'm melting! _Meeeltiiiiing!"_

And indeed he was. Well, at least his velvety, glossy, slick, shiny, gleaming, sparkly, glittery, polished, glistening, reflective hands were.

The end

* * *

Yeah, ok. That wasn't that funny, was it. 

Oh well.

to **Seriously Wrong** - heh, my first reviewer for this story! (this time round...) I'm not quite sure if that review was supposed to be mean to me or not, but... meh. /shrugs/ Just thought I'd point out that I don't actually ask anyone to tell me in a review, I just ask if they would like to give me ideas. If you want to leave it in a review... then, well go ahead. Doesnt make a difference to me!

**Reborn from the Ashes**- ok, thanks for that. I can never be bothered to read through those rules (which is probably why i get banned for weeks on end so often). ButI really do try to stick to the rules thatI know (to an extent...) Anyways, I've fixed it up now so that its just me typing poop.

**Legolas's Girl 9** - OMG! I've really noticed that too.I cant beleiveI didnt think of it! I'll make sure to use that one... man, I see your reviews scattered through quite a few of my parody's. /grins/ thanks for that, makes me feel _reeeaaal_ special!

…alrighty! So, leave a review. I don't care man, flame it, burn it, murdur it with a knife, WHATEVA! I'm still open for suggestions if you got an idea, otherwise….

Have a nice day!

Thank you, come again!


	3. Goldylocks, Enter Stage Right

_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!**_

/runs around in circles screaming, then smashes into a tree/

…WOOW!

Yay! I have 12 reviews!  
Go meeee! Go meeee /dances/  
Whee! I love you guys! I chucked such a spaz when I saw all those /laughs in delight/

Oh and yeah, just so you know, I realize that orcs don't rape people. I just wrote that in 'cause I've read so many story's about these people that were captured by orcs and raped and beaten up and raped and tortured and raped and raped.

Whores.

Anyway, for all you people out there that write those, think about this.

If you caught an orc, would _you_ rape it?

No.

Why not?

Because you find it repulsive.

_Eeeeee_xactly  
And an orc would think the exact same thing about you.  
So there. /sticks out tongue/

* * *

Once upon a time, in a far far away land, there lived a girl who could transform into a unicorn. 

This girl was very special.

She had long golden locks of hair, and stunning gold eyes. And an absolutely, infatismally gorgeous face. And she was super thin. With big tits.

One day, this goddess of a creature fell off a cliff, and landed in Middle Earth.

And thus, out story begins…

Legolas; /is happily walking around when he trips over something/ "Whoops!" he says. "Oh come now, who leaves rubbish lying on the floor like this?"

The rubbish stirs.

Legolas; "AAAAAAHHH!" and he runs away like a little girl.

Rubbish; /wakes up/ "Oh! W-where am I?" It stutters, just loud enough so that everyone can hear it.

Aragorn; /walking by/ "Umm… why are you lying on the floor?" he asks in a confused way, being all confused and shit.

"Oh dear!" Rubbish, aka Unicorn Woman exclaims, dramatically putting her hand against her forehead. "Where am I? The last thing I remember is running away from a lion, a tiger, and a bear! Oh my! And then… then I fell off a cliff… and… and woke up here…"

Aragorn; "uhh…"

Unicorn Woman; "I'm all aloooooone!" she starts bawling pathetically.

Aragorn slowly begins backing away.

U. W; "There's no-one here, _besiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide_ meeeeeeeee!" she half sings, half cries in a haunting tune.

Aragorn is about to turn and run, when all of a sudden U.W latches onto his leg!

U.W; "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she wails.

Aragorn manages to suppress a manly scream… just.

U.W; /suddenly and amazingly turns into a unicorn/

Aragorn; "_Eeeek!"_ (Notice the girly tone to that scream, as he starts running around in circles, arms in the air)

Arwen; /to Aragorn/ "Oh, Elly-poo! There you are!" (_Ell_y… as in _Ell_esar… (that how you spell it?))

"I'm bored." I mutter quietly, the small sound expressing what millions (or twos) of people are thinking right this moment.

"Me too" Dr. Zoidberg responds, clicking his crab-pincer thingies, and eating my fish bait. Because I, uh… always carry fish bait… in my, back… pocket… along with my… keys…

Me; /bashing him with my fishing rod/ I carry that in my… breast pocket… "Oi! Get away from my bait you mutant lobster!"

Dr. Zoidberg; "_Woooooop_ woop woop woop woop!"

Arwen; "Oh look, 'tis a unicorn!"

Aragorn is running amok, arms flailing madly "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he says calmly and maturely… (and this is the man who is to become Queen? I mean King?)

Arwen pats U.W "Even though unicorns don't exist in this world, and I technically shouldn't even know what they are, this one is a fine specimen. The most beautiful one I've ever seen! Not taking into consideration the fact that it's the only one I've ever seen."

Then Unicorn Woman turned back into a human, shaking her long, golden locks out of her face.

Aragorn was still running around in the background. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he still screamed. Still. St. i.

ll.

…

Then, Unicorn Woman fainted, and Arwen took her to a room in Imladris. Coz that's where they were. Imladris. Which is the same exact place as Rivendell. Also known as 'The Last Homely House', and 'The Place With All The Scary, Pointy Eared, Immortal Freaks"

As she watched her sleep, she pushed a tendril of her golden locks away from her face, and smiled as she sighed.

(I hate it when authors write sentences like that. It pisses the hell outta me! Who is 'She'? Arwen? Unicorn Woman?… _Eowyn!… … _… moving on_… _)

She sighed again, and shook back some locks of black hair away from her face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" went Aragorn, as he ran past the window.

Unicorn woman woke up, sat up, and pushed her long locks away from her face.

"Are you alright?" Arwen asked. Unicorn Woman shook her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Aragorn ran along a balcony off in the background.

"Would you like me to get you some yogurt?" Arwen asked. Unicorn Woman nodded her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

Arwen tied her thick black locks in a quick plat, and ran off to make some yogurt for Unicorn Woman with her head, long black locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

Even though she could just get a maid to do it for her. Or go down to the Kwik-e-mart.

In any ways, she came back with the yogurt, and Unicorn Woman ate it.

Arwen smiled as she watched yogurt spill out of Unicorn Woman's mouth, and rush down her chin in torrents.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn jumped from the top of one building and on to another, nearly falling to his doom. He then continued running.

"You haven't said much yet." Arwen said. Unicorn woman shrugged her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

"Can you even talk?" Arwen asked. Unicorn Woman signed something with her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

"Pardon me?" Arwen asked her head, long black locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

Unicorn Woman opened her mouth. "I _said '_No, I can't talk, I'm mute her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight!' _Derrr!"_

"Oh no!" Arwen said, putting her hand to her head, long black locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn ran across the lawn in the far distance.

"That must be horrible!.!.!" Arwen exclaimed with multiple exclamation marks. Unicorn Woman nodded her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight.

"That's _IT!" _said an angry voice in the hallway. "I've had it! Enough is _enough!_" the voice ranted as it stormed down the hall… way. The door burst open, and a little girl with curly blond hair, rosy cheeks, and a small pudding stain on her dress barged in. "Who the _fuck _keeps calling me? _HUH! _I'm happily sitting there, destroying an unknown's house, and I keep hearing Goldylocks! _Goldylocks! _Blah blah _fucking GOLDYLOCKS! _AARGH! IT'S DRIVING ME BLOODY _INSANE!"_

Unicorn Woman turned into a unicorn.

There was a pause as Goldylocks stared. Then… "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She dived out the window and ran away.

Unicorn Woman turned into woman.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Goldylocks said, as she rushed out to the lawn in the far distance.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" said Aragorn, running around wildly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" said Goldilocks, wildly running around.

Aragorn stopped and stared down at Goldilocks. "_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"_

Goldylocks stopped and stared up at Aragorn. "**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!**"

They looked at each other (AAH!), they looked at the window (AAH!), and they turned and ran off.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_IT'SFUNNYCOZTHISISGOINGOFFTHEPAGE_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_**"

Unicorn Woman turned into a corn.

A golden corn.

Her head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the sunlight!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_HAAAAAA!_

**Her** head, long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of the **sunlight!**  
Her **head,** long golden locks shimmering in the reflected light of **the** sunlight!  
Her head, **long** golden locks shimmering in the reflected light **of** the sunlight!  
Her head, long **golden** locks shimmering in the reflected **light** of the sunlight!  
Her head, long golden **locks** shimmering in the **reflected** light of the sunlight!  
Her head, long golden locks **shimmering** in **the** reflected light of the sunlight!  
Her head, long golden locks shimmering **in** the reflected light of the sunlight!

God; "Shimmering sunlight reflected light off her head, the golden locks… oh… err… DAMN DYSLEXIA!" /smites everyone/

* * *

Okay, maybe I'll just stop it there. 

Yeah…

This one was requested by **Lady Moofin**. She also specifically asked for Goldilocks to make an appearance so, yeah…

Thanks for that one!

**_Review Responces (unsusually long today):_**

**theycallmemary: **Aww shucks, are my story's really that good/shuffles feet/ aww… hehe, thanks. I love flattery. Gets a long way with me. Uh, yep! I live in Australia. Why? Are… are you a stalker? Well you stalky stalker, I shall poke you with all my points as much as I please/poke, poke/ Haha! And you shall take it, or I will never update again! _NEVER!_

**Icy Sapphire15: **Oh, the "'Tári Linwë Alassë…" thing is me dissing the names given to MS's, while having fun with the 'Insert' button at the same time/shrugs/ Coz you know, a lot of badly written Elven OC's have these amazingly, impossibly hard names that aren't even Elven. And they have all these dots and dashes everywhere, so I figured, why not swirls?

**Princess of Ithilien:** Yeah thanks. Kat's me name, Random's me game!… corny, yes. I know…/hangs head/ Anyways, the thing with dear old Leggy is that a lot of writers tend to describe his hands as soft or silky. Or, you know, something along those lines. The truth of the matter is that Legolas is a warrior, and he favors the bow. Someone who can wield a sword is going to have rough hands because of the exposure to long hours of gripping said sword. On top of that, if that someone uses a bow, they are going to have calluses on their fingers from the constant rubbing against the string (or whatever you call the twangy bit). So Legolas having smooth hands is impractical.

**Legolas's Girl 9: **/grins/ _AAAWWW!_ You're so nice! Here, have a Legolas plushie/throws plushie at your head/ Or wait… would you prefer Aragorn?… or Boromir… /rifles through pile/… umm, I have the twins… Faramir… Glorfindel… Elrond… …Gimli/looks up/ Would you like a Gimli plushie? Or… wait, I have the hobbits too…

**Seriously Wrong: **oooh, I _see! _Right, right, I'm on it. Hmm… that was pretty obvious though, wasn't it? Maybe I should be a little more careful in the future… Pff! As if that'll ever happen! I'll just keep getting pulled down time and time again, until I'm finally banned completely from this site… Ah well, I have you trusty reviewers to tell me when I'm wrong! And ok, no interacting with reviewers… does that mean I shouldn't do review responses? Aww, shit. I dunno, everyone else does it and they don't get pulled. Umm… … … …/runs away/

**Reborn from the Ashes: **Yay! Ialways love to know where I manage to make others laugh. It gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling inside… oh no wait, that was the kitten I swallowed before… /shrugs/ Whatever. The point is- /falls asleep/ …Sorry. I'm just tired. I'm writing this at 11.50 pm, and d'you wanna know what time I woke up this morning? 9.30! Yeah that's right! _9.30!_ Who in their right mind wakes up that early on their holidays? Well obviously, me. /rolls eye's at self/ but still! The point-… … … /snores/ … Shut up Kat. (Yes, I just told myself to shut up. Why? You got a problem!) I checked out the guidelines, by the way. I didn't really register any of it… Hey, I got an idea! I am officially making you my Mistakes Catcherer! Yup, you got no choice!

Ok, so that's the review responses…

Sorry this one took so long to come out. I kinda lost the file, and couldn't be bothered to re-do it.

But I found it again. So yeah, everything's good.

**IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! **

Well no, it's not really that important, but yes.

I probably won't be adding another chapter to this (or any other story) for a while yet, as I'm starting a new project. Yes, yes I know. Sad. /whipes tear/

But I'm really quite liking the one I'm starting.  
It's another one of those "Girl somehow magically gets transported into Middle Earth and now can't get back by those same magical means", but with a twist. Only… not.

It makes fun of those story's, but it's not a parody or a satire. It's got its own plotline, and though it's going to be quite a bit of fun, it has its serious side as well.

Go read the summery I've written for it at the bottom of my Bio. Please? I'd be heartbroken if you didn't/puppy eyes/


	4. She Elf and the Master of Gondor

Ok, I got bored.

So, even though I said I wouldn't, I did.

**

* * *

**

She-Elf and the Master of Gondor

Aragorn sat on a bench in Gondor and hummed.  
"Mmm-bop, chicka cha ba, mmm-bop." He said.

He was the King of Gondor, you see, but he had nothing to do. He was extremely bored, so he sat. And he hummed.  
"Now that I'm a rich boy, na na na na na na…"

Then he saw Arwen walking along.  
"Yo, she-elf!" he called. "Baby! C'mere!"

Arwen grew angry.

"I aint no she-elf, _bitch!_" she hollered.

Then, she killed the insolent King.

And now, in place of a King, Gondor had a queen. Beautiful and terrible as the dawn. All shall love her and despair.

And she ruled forever.  
Quite literally. Since she was immortal.

The end.

* * *

(Thanks to Legolas's Girl 9 for that idea) 


End file.
